"You have nothing in this world more precious than your children. When you grow old, when your hair turns white and your body grows weary, when you are prone to sit in a rocker and meditate on the things of your life, nothing will be so important as the question of how your children have turned out. It will not be the money you have made. It will not be the cars you have owned. It will not be the large house in which you live. The searing question that will cross your mind again and again will be, How well have my children done?"

~President Gordon B. Hinckley

Friday, February 27, 2009

A tough few days...

A sad post to mark my 100th for my blog. While I have every intention of updating our happenings over the last couple months, I feel very inclined to write about a dear friend of mine. At 19 weeks pregnant, her water unexpectedly broke and 2 days later she delivered a beautiful, PERFECT, baby girl. Amelia Jayne was born silent. My friend joins me in a horrific group of mother's who have had to say goodbye to their sweet babies.
After dealing with losing our son Logan, I told myself that if ANYTHING good was to come from it, it must be ME. I vowed to HELP anyone who had the awful duty of burying their child. Until now, thankfully...and unfortunately, I haven't had that opportunity. The pain that has come from watching someone I care for go through the anguish and heartbreak of such a happening is something I didn't quite expect. For this to happen alone would be enough to tear my heart to pieces, but for her to be born just 4 days before my Logan's birthday is especially heart wrenching.
I am grateful...for so many things. GRATEFUL for the perspective I have gained over the last four years since our baby boy entered this world. I hurt for her so deeply to KNOW the pain she feels leaving her daughter at the hospital, of going home, of trying to figure out what NORMAL is again, of making PLANS to bury your child...the list goes on. I wish for her PERSPECTIVE...which, sadly, is only gained through time.


GRATEFUL for the blessings I have seen come from our trial. Do I wish it never happened, ABSOLUTELY. Do I wish I had my sweet boy here today, to celebrate a 4th birthday with, to tell me he loves me and to kiss goodnight, WITHOUT A DOUBT...but I am grateful for the children that we probably wouldn't have been blessed with-without our loss.

GRATEFUL for friends, mentors, even hero's that I wouldn't know had we not had to endure this loss. People walked into our lives that day that will FOREVER be bonded to us. Acts of kindness that were done and words spoken that to this day touch my heart and help to mend the small cracks in my heart that are still there, and I believe may always be there.


GRATEFUL for the opportunity Heavenly Father has given me to HELP. I wish from the moment we lost our Logan that NOBODY in the ENTIRE world would EVER have to go through that. However, since they do, I am grateful for the ability to say, "I KNOW". While every person is different and handles things differently and every situation is different, a part of it is the same. I DO KNOW. I wish I didn't, but I do, and if I have to...I want to be able to provide that shoulder, lend that ear, wipe those tears.


I am asking that all who read my blog offer up prayers for my sweet, sweet friend. Her family needs those right now more than anything. I KNOW they will feel them, I did. I pray every chance I get that she is being blessed with the same comfort and strength that we received from Heavenly Father and others during that time. The same comfort we receive to this day. I KNOW that our Father in Heaven is aware of my friend right now, and I know he plans to bless her dearly for her strength.


On Monday, I will wake up, battle with my darlings to get them ready, load them in the car and drive to Mesa. There, I will talk to Keaton and try again to explain who Logan is, where he went, and what he is doing. We will put some new flowers in the vase, perhaps some balloons and we will sing Happy Birthday to our son, our brother. I may cry. I may not. But I WILL be thinking of my perfect little boy and his new friend Amelia.


Last year I made this montage...if you've seen it, you don't have to watch it again. If you want to, take a peek...oh how I miss my tiny man!




Rochelle said...

Oh Nikki! I'm so sorry! I'm so glad that your faith is so strong and that you are the beautiful, wonderful mother that you are to help other people go through this. Our thoughts are with you and your friend. I can't imagine the pain.

Anonymous said...

Awww Niki :( that breaks my heart. I'm so sorry. I’ll be praying for you guys and your friend… I'm so grateful for your little family and all your strengths in so many different areas. I'm so glad we have you as our friends. I can absolutely not wait until the day I can see you guys in heaven complete and meet your lil man. How precious... you know he is with the sweet little spirit in your tummy now... telling them he will see them again soon, and to give mommy and daddy and Keat and Lillie lots of loves :) I love you guys, stay strong. Our lil guy will be here in a couple of days and every birthday he has I will remember your lil mans birthday too.

Levi and Suzi said...

Hi Nikki, I'm not sure if you'll remember me, but I knew you at NAU. Thank you for sharing your story and your beautiful slide show. I admire your faith, courage, and willingness to help others in the same situation. You may have heard of this before, but there is an organizaton called, "Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep" that will take photos at the hospitals for families is these situations so they have more photos for memories, etc. Thanks again for sharing your story.

kimber said...

I've been waiting for a post from you, sorry it had to be this one. Sorry to hear about your friend, I couldn't even imagine. I'm sure your a huge blessing and support for her right now. Thanks for the inspired words and thoughts and your wonderful testimony.

Ren & Anna said...

We will pray!! I'm glad you can be a support to your friend in such a difficult time. I can't imagine the pain associated with losing a child. I hope that Monday is a great and very spiritual experience for you.

Amie said...

Thanks for the post Nikki. I had myself a nice cry while I read it! Your words were written so beautifully. Logan is watching over you all and is so proud of his mommy and daddy's strength of testimony. Your friend and most especially YOU are in my thoughts and prayers today.

mshjwj said...

Nikki, thank you for your testimony today during R.S. It was heartfelt and full of the Spirit. I admire your strong faith. You are a great person - you and Seth. Matt has told me how much the Young Men look up to Seth.

Mel said...

You are amazing. What a great attitude and perspective. I hope things continue to go well with your current pregnancy, and we will be thinking about your friend.

Blair Family said...

What a sweet little video!!! Thanks for sharing.

Melissa said...

So I'm a few months behind in looking at everyone's blog. Thanks for this post! Sometimes it is easy to take our children for granted and what a great reminder you've given to us that life is SO very fragile!!