"You have nothing in this world more precious than your children. When you grow old, when your hair turns white and your body grows weary, when you are prone to sit in a rocker and meditate on the things of your life, nothing will be so important as the question of how your children have turned out. It will not be the money you have made. It will not be the cars you have owned. It will not be the large house in which you live. The searing question that will cross your mind again and again will be, How well have my children done?"

~President Gordon B. Hinckley

Friday, February 27, 2009

A tough few days...

A sad post to mark my 100th for my blog. While I have every intention of updating our happenings over the last couple months, I feel very inclined to write about a dear friend of mine. At 19 weeks pregnant, her water unexpectedly broke and 2 days later she delivered a beautiful, PERFECT, baby girl. Amelia Jayne was born silent. My friend joins me in a horrific group of mother's who have had to say goodbye to their sweet babies.
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After dealing with losing our son Logan, I told myself that if ANYTHING good was to come from it, it must be ME. I vowed to HELP anyone who had the awful duty of burying their child. Until now, thankfully...and unfortunately, I haven't had that opportunity. The pain that has come from watching someone I care for go through the anguish and heartbreak of such a happening is something I didn't quite expect. For this to happen alone would be enough to tear my heart to pieces, but for her to be born just 4 days before my Logan's birthday is especially heart wrenching.
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I am grateful...for so many things. GRATEFUL for the perspective I have gained over the last four years since our baby boy entered this world. I hurt for her so deeply to KNOW the pain she feels leaving her daughter at the hospital, of going home, of trying to figure out what NORMAL is again, of making PLANS to bury your child...the list goes on. I wish for her PERSPECTIVE...which, sadly, is only gained through time.

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GRATEFUL for the blessings I have seen come from our trial. Do I wish it never happened, ABSOLUTELY. Do I wish I had my sweet boy here today, to celebrate a 4th birthday with, to tell me he loves me and to kiss goodnight, WITHOUT A DOUBT...but I am grateful for the children that we probably wouldn't have been blessed with-without our loss.

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GRATEFUL for friends, mentors, even hero's that I wouldn't know had we not had to endure this loss. People walked into our lives that day that will FOREVER be bonded to us. Acts of kindness that were done and words spoken that to this day touch my heart and help to mend the small cracks in my heart that are still there, and I believe may always be there.

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GRATEFUL for the opportunity Heavenly Father has given me to HELP. I wish from the moment we lost our Logan that NOBODY in the ENTIRE world would EVER have to go through that. However, since they do, I am grateful for the ability to say, "I KNOW". While every person is different and handles things differently and every situation is different, a part of it is the same. I DO KNOW. I wish I didn't, but I do, and if I have to...I want to be able to provide that shoulder, lend that ear, wipe those tears.

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I am asking that all who read my blog offer up prayers for my sweet, sweet friend. Her family needs those right now more than anything. I KNOW they will feel them, I did. I pray every chance I get that she is being blessed with the same comfort and strength that we received from Heavenly Father and others during that time. The same comfort we receive to this day. I KNOW that our Father in Heaven is aware of my friend right now, and I know he plans to bless her dearly for her strength.

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On Monday, I will wake up, battle with my darlings to get them ready, load them in the car and drive to Mesa. There, I will talk to Keaton and try again to explain who Logan is, where he went, and what he is doing. We will put some new flowers in the vase, perhaps some balloons and we will sing Happy Birthday to our son, our brother. I may cry. I may not. But I WILL be thinking of my perfect little boy and his new friend Amelia.

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Last year I made this montage...if you've seen it, you don't have to watch it again. If you want to, take a peek...oh how I miss my tiny man!

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